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I was all for reusable water bottles and tumblers until I ran into Bucknell’s unusually high level of water bottle overconsumption.
These multipurpose water storers that also provide emotional support just can’t seem to get a break. They are dented, destroyed, clanky and hold all too many secrets. I have come to fear certain personalities just by the water bottle I associate them with. One look at someone’s water bottle and I already know if I am going to love them or run. We all have our own opinions on the varying personalities, but here are some of my hot takes on the various water bottle girls that rule our campus.
If you look around campus, you will notice that Bucknell single-handedly keeps water bottle consumerism going. Whether it is the Yeti, Stanley, Powerade bottle, Hydro Flask or Nalgene, to name a few, each water bottle “fits” a certain personality. Which water bottle are you? Take the quiz at the end to find out!
Our first water bottle girl is the Nalgene. It’s your classic outdoorsy girl. It’s covered in stickers from all over the place and has been brutally abused by mold, therapy and some mysterious gnarly powder. When you see these, you know this girl has been places. You probably are obsessed with OEL, and your friends know you would take on a mystical beast if needed and that’s why they keep you around.
Our lovely Yeti comes next. If you own a Yeti, it probably has been thrown off the face of the earth and still has yet to dent. You swear by the chug cap, and although the insulation is mid-tier, it never will leak on you. Your classic Yeti girls have some sort of ego issue, but at least they admit to it on occasion. If you are a tumbler Yeti girl, it’s purely because you have a crippling addiction to coffee or tea and need the 20 ounces of caffeine to get you through one singular class.
Here come our lovely VSCO girls. You either love them or hate them. There is no in-between. If you had a Hydro Flask before the great VSCO takeover of 2018, you swear by the original Hydro colors, have extreme dents all over the water bottle and you can tell that it has been through some serious emotional turmoil. This differs from the Yeti, where you can only assume it has seen things. If you have a pastel Hydro Flask post-2019, with minimal dents, you might as well walk around with a warning sign. Your water bottle holds gossip and secrets that not even God wants to hear. If those water bottles could talk, secrets would completely just disappear and no one would be safe.
The penultimate water bottle is the Powerade bottle. If you see this water bottle, you see a student-athlete who is too lazy to switch water bottles so they just use a water bottle infested with mold that has never been cleaned. But that’ s fine because the mold makes you stronger. To the girlies who use the Powerade bottles, all hail the dedication you have to your sport, but it comes at a cost to your social life with the other water bottle social groups. This water bottle doubles as an emergency foam roller that is literally invincible, just like your sleep schedule.
Finally, we have our Stanley girls. The other water bottles are scared of you, and if they had legs, they would run at the sight of these weapons. This suburban mom’s weapon is the bane of existence. Sure it fits in a cup holder, but so do all the other water bottles. Stanleys are clunky, kinda like those Alexander McQueen shoes, spill everywhere and do not even work. I would like to remind our future suburban moms of America that the original Stanleys were the GOAT. The indestructible originals will outlast every single one of us and have stood the test of time as shotgun targets, cannon balls and footballs.
So which water bottle are you? Take this quiz to find out!
A. OEL backpacking trip, biking or hiking with friends
C. Going to the beach at night in an oversized sweatshirt and Birkenstocks
D. Spending time with your sports team
E. Going out with friends or to a nice event
2. What are you wearing to class?
A. The most comfortable hiking pants imaginable, beat up converse that you swear do not have holes and a national park t-shirt
B. Some Bootcut jeans with boots, a basic long sleeve and a hat of some sort
C. Some worn-out large pastel t-shirt with beach sweatpants or leggings, white Adidas shoes and a low pony or bun
D. Bucknell sweatpants, crocs or berks and an oversized sweatshirt
E. Flared leggings or high-rise straight-leg jeans, a black/navy and white striped sweater or baby tee with uggs, Alexander McQueens or Golden Gooses
3. You are going to the gym, what’s the outfit?
A. Patagonia shorts, a Cotopaxi shirt and Hokas
B. Black shorts, tight black shirt and Nike shoes
C. Nike shorts, cropped athletic shirt, tall-ish socks and bright athletic shoes
D. Bucknell athletic clothes, ankle socks and Adidas shoes
E. Lululemon biker shorts, Lululemon align tank and On Cloud sneakers in a white or gray
4. What brand is your backpack?
C. Fjällraven Kånken
A. Mountain Houses and a GoGo-squeeZ
B. Clif bar or beef jerky sticks
D. Protein shakes or protein bars
E. Annie’s mac and cheese or Uncrustables
6. It’s spring break, where are you going?
A. On a backpacking or service trip
B. A remote, old cabin, lake house or ski town for some outdoor country fun
C. An aesthetic private beach in New England like Cape Cod
D. Spring break doesn’t exist because of spring training
E. Down south to spring break central
7. You are having retail therapy hour, what are you buying?
A. Gear for your next great adventure
D. Anything that you can use your Adidas discount on
8. Your significant other wants to get you a birthday gift, what should they get you?
A. A light-weight lantern for late-night adventures
B. A fuzzy-lined oversized jean jacket
If you picked mostly A’s, your emotional support water bottle is a Nalgene.
If you picked mostly B’s, you’re a die-hard Yeti girl.
If you picked mostly C’s. you can’t go a day without your well-loved, dented Hydro Flask.
If you picked mostly D’s, your Powerade water bottle has saved you one too many times.
If you picked mostly E’s, your Stanley is waiting for the day she becomes a Suburban mom.
DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the individual writer and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Bucknellian.
The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University
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